Thursday, April 28, 2016

Feeling suddenly really overwhelmed today with fears that things are going to completely blow up on me, but I guess that's normal considering I have really bad and awkward memories associated with those times I more strongly attempted to come out of my shell. But I'm really glad to know people do care even though I've been spectacularly terrible at expressing interest in other's lives and probably often come off as rude and standoffish or whatever. I need to get better at that as well as not having my entire social like revolve around waiting for others to invite me out. It's a lack of confidence thing mostly 

Wednesday, April 27, 2016

In retrospect, I really should have started therapy around this date 5 years ago (maybe the point where I quit the Capri open mic for awhile out of shame and first got really outspoken at work among other incidents), but I'm glad I started it this morning and got a lot of stuff out already, even though I feel really overwhelmed by all the questions (especially the ones I'm not really prepared for that my mind gets really scrambled trying to answer) and the idea of feeling super vulnerable and naked around people in the future while trying to change for the better is terrifying. But as far as feeling like I'm around the right therapist, things seem fairly promising so far. 

Saturday, April 16, 2016

I'm totally relating to the idea of the "depressed comedian" right now. Trying to figure out an outlet for my most fun, outgoing side out that feels most right without being too obnoxious in annoying people and embarrassing myself too much. It just seems like the stars have to align exactly right as far as overall setting for me to do that, and sometimes I feel so much unhealthy resentment and jealousy towards some of the coolest people i've ever met who can express positive feelings a lot more easily. I know, I need to get myself in therapy already because i've been miserable for too much of the last month and a half. Well, probably the last several years too, but especially this period. Ugh... trying to search is just stressing me out though, so I keep putting it off. Plus it's baseball season. The process of following my fantasy teams, the Green Ship Captains and Demonland Introverts, is such a dangerously addictive distraction.