Sunday, October 2, 2016

So I just did an experimental "live blog" on the progress of both my fantasy baseball teams and it turned into an intentionally OVER OVER OVER the top Asperger's Syndrome comic saga about an introvert loser where I made a total caricature of myself, although there's truth in it of course. The Green Ship Captains in my matchup league unfortunately lost the title in Golden State Warriors choking fashion, but the Demonland Introverts totally won in miraculous fashion in my points league. GO INTROVERTS!!!

3:06 pm: I'm a hideous dork. The team name is in reference to a comic strip called Overboard where the green ship pirates were enemies of the main pirate characters. I remember one strip where they were shrunk down and had their ship put in a bottle by a "silly curse" that "won't stop us, Green Ship Captain."
3:10 pm: I also called out the title "Green Ship Captain" at a Mark Prindle show when he asked for a title to go with an improvised song in 2009 and I also, coincidentally, called the title out again a few weeks later at another show when a band did the same thing with improvising a random title song (which was really supposed to be one word at a time from a few people in that exercise).
3:36 pm: Live from a bathroom stall, I see my 6 pitchers have already combined for 3 runs over 9 innings in 20-30 minutes. I guess that's indicative of the kind of zaniness taking place here.
3:54 pm: Good job, Trea Turner, for being a Fleet Footed Florence and stealing 6 bases this week. You get a sticker.
3:55 pm: Going to the rotisserie league, Demonland Introverts literally ONLY have one catcher eligible among position players since my front office apparently hasn't gotten the hang of the whole "maximum game limit" thing yet.
3:57 pm: At least the Green Ship Captains have jumped ahead in strikeouts, their specialty this entire season. I haven't lost ONCE all season in that category. 20-0-1.
4:03 pm: I think the Green Ship guys have stolen bases (10 to 4), batting average (.266 to .218), saves (5 to 1) and strikeouts (78 to 69) locked up here. Now they just have to come back in a couple other categories. Home runs (8 to 2) will not be one of them.
4:07 pm: I hate the freaking annoying Cardinals, but yay Stephen Piscotty for getting a hit! Now SCORE so my deficit in runs can get to 28-26.
4:07 pm: Or not.
4:12 pm: Every time I hear Harry Kalas' voice on highlights I realize how much I miss that guy.
4:16 pm: I'm ambivalent towards the Indians. Yay Jose Ramirez for getting a hit. Now SCORE so my deficit in runs can get to 28-26.
4:18 pm: "Solar! Power! Every! Hour!" will now be in my head for a few more minutes.
4:20 pm: BOO TO TYLER NAQUIN FOR NOT KNOCKING IN JOSE RAMIREZ. Your name makes me feel drowsy.
4:22 pm: Well, Kenta Maeda is now on the bench. That's 1 out of my 6 pitchers today done. 5 runs to another freaking annoying team the Giants.... ughhh....
4:26 pm: Hooooome run Jonathan Lucroy! 28-26 WHOOOOO!
4:27 pm: I probably should look up the rules right now whether a 5-5 tie would give me a matchup win just because I'm the higher seed and I'm awesome.
4:30 pm: Yup, higher seed wins. Oh crap, Jerad Eickhoff aka the 2016 version of Cole "I Get No Run Support" Hamels gave up a run. :(
4:31 pm: DAMN IT... Yasmani Grandal getting an RBI while on my bench.... slippin rippin dang fang rotten zarg a barg a ding dong.
4:36 pm: That's at least 4 lost RBI's since Brandon Belt had a homer and 3 RBI's on my bench Friday night.... oh YAY Brandon Belt! You got a hit! Now SCORE to get my deficit to 28-27.
4:37 pm: Jonathan Lucroy on the bench? Nooooo....
4:37 pm: Ooh, Eugenio Suarez on 2nd! Score! Score! Score!
4:37 pm: T BETTER NOT COME DOWN TO BRANDON BELT'S LOST RBIS OR I WILL KILL....
4:38 pm: Oh wait, Eugenio Suarez isn't on 2nd no more.... :(
4:40 pm: Losing 4.40 to 5.12 in ERA and 1.41 to 1.54 n WHIP. Probably not a likely comeback there....
4:42 pm: Brandon Belt forced at second.... ahhhhh panic attack!
4:44 pm: Ughhh.... Jared Eickhoff and Felix Hernandez both on the bench. There's 3 of my 6 pitchers done, as well as my shot in getting a category win in wins. Blarrrggghh.....
4:46 pm: Yay, Trea Turner on first again!
4:47 pm: Ugh, The Long Ball's team hasn't even SCORED in who knows how long. It's like they're TAUNTING me with the comeback possibility.
4:49 pm: I will in all likelihood never meet this guy Jeff, who owns The Long Ball's team, in my life, but if I do I'll totally say his team was not that good to his face
4:50 pm: Or I could just post it on the message board, whatever.
4:51 pm: It's like... dude, you finished the regular season 17 games behind me. It's not faaaaair. :( :( :(
4:52 pm: Aaaand the "batting champion" Jose Altuve is 0 for 3 today. Stop acting like you're my height at 5'6".
4:55 pm: And now David "I Can't Pitch Well Against The Yankees For Shit" Price is on the bench. No win for him either. My hope with getting help from the pitchers is dwindling here.
5:00 pm: I just became the first person to react with "sad" to one of my posts. I just realized today no one has used the sad, angry or haha icons on my posts before. You guys all suck! ;)
5:02 pm: I've been totally forgetting that football is on most of today while this is going. Yay for the Patriots getting shut out!
5:05 pm: SHIT. Kole Calhoun knocked in two runs! I had him last week and when I dropped him The Long Ball picked him up! Down 30-24 in RBI's. :( IT BETTER NOT COME DOWN TO THAT EITHER.
5:06 pm: At least he got pinch run for so he won't score, but crap... Adonis Garcia is on 3rd! Don't score! Don't score!
5:09 pm: I'm not sure if "live blogging" like this counts as a "towards move" or an "away move" for my therapy.
5:09 pm: Must pee before Brandon Belt and Mike Napoli hit again.
5:12 pm: Thank you for not scoring, Adonis Garcia. I mean, I'm sure you have with some girl before, considering you're an MLB player.
5:12 pm: Jose Ramirez and Eugenio Suarez also coming on deck again. Tension....
5:13 pm: Mike Napoli on first! Aww, crap... there's two outs...
5:20 pm: NO wins for my starting pitchers in what, 12 combined games is just downright pathetic. Of course, the stupid rain delay in Jerad Eickhoff's game where he had to come out with a 6-1 lead and only 1 hit given up, and that game where the Cardinals bullpen blew it for Alex Reyes in the 9th on an error and a dinky freaking squibby infield single, didn't help.
5:21 pm: Julio Teheran and Kevin Gausman could still get wins, but nothing matters anymore. Like with what Harry Kalas said at that Brad Lidge gives up a home run to Craig Biggio game I was at in 2005 I was at, "All the runs are unearned, but who cares?"
5:21 pm: Predictably, Jose Ramirez, Eugenio Suarez and Brandon Belt have failed me again. You've all failed me.
5:25 pm: Checking in on my rotisserie league.... HOLY SHIT DEMONLAND INTROVERTS ARE ONLY A HALF POINT OUT OF FIRST. I might still have a chance to not finish in lame 2nd place in that league.
5:28 pm: Wait a second.... since I also have Julio Teheran and Kevin Gausman on my Demonland Introverts team as well, and they could still get wins along with Josh Tomlin, I could get in first in that league!!!! REJOOOOOOOOOOICE as Bono yelled on the U2 track from 1981. No, not the one that was actually called "Rejoice". The one near the end of October. "Is That All?" I think.
5:30 pm: Since WHIP (walks + hits / innings pitched) isn't calculated on Stattracker and it just says I'm tied in that category there, I may not know if I won that tiebreaker for sure until tomorrow morning. Yay, more tension!
5:31 pm: My gut feeling is that I'm still behind to MattC's Team in that category, though.
5:33 pm: Back to Green Ship Captains' matchup. Oh crap, Chris Carter scored. Another Long Ball last minute waiver pickup. Figures.
5:34 pm: I should probably switch to Indians / Royals since it's the 9th inning there and Josh Tomlin could still get a win. I will be in love with whoever is closing for the Indians.
5:35 pm: Uh oh, the guy who might blow it (Cody Allen) and not the more automatic Andrew Miller.
5:37 pm: "I may have to change this "sad" on my status," said my manic OCD brain.
5:40 pm: I need those 3 guys to get wins to jump ahead of Eric's Team in wins, 74-73 and two to tie. Aww crap, he's got Matt Moore who has a 5-1 lead starting for the Giants.
5:41 pm: Kevin Gausman wins! One down, two to go.
5:41 pm: Double play! Julio Teheran's 1-0 8th inning lead is preserved!
5:44 pm: It tells you something about how few people pay attention to their teams at this point that the tragically dead Jose Fernandez is 78% owned. Why am I treating these fantasy baseball matchup success stories like it's some great accomplishment again?
5:44 pm: Yay Indians win! Josh Tomlin gets a win!
5:44 pm: Time to become a Braves fan for a few minutes and root on Julio Teheran.
5:48 pm: Back to the saga of Green Ship Captains, Jose Altuve, Troy Tulowitzki and Stephen Piscotty all on 1st!
5:50 pm: 9th inning in the Braves game. JIM JOHNSON BETTER NOT BLOW THIS SAVE. He's been in the category of 'why the hell is he closing for a major league team??!?!' at some points in his career.
5:51 pm: It's not likely Matt Moore's 5-1 Giants lead will be blown, so I'll have to settle with a tie in wins with Eric's Team over at the Demonland Introverts league.
5:54 pm: One out in the 9th in Atlanta! The Compy's going slowwww now.
5:54 pm: Stephen Piscotty on 3rd but the Green Ship Captains are running out of time. :(
5:55 pm: Score for Stephen Piscotty! 29-27!
5:57 pm: I may have to rely on the Introverts here for a championship. Who knew. Two outs in the 9th for the Braves!
5:59 pm: "The Tigers are staring at the abyss in Atlanta," said the Braves announcer as the "Tomahawk Chop" played in the background, one of the most annoying things in existence to be in F minor.
6:01 pm: JULIO TEHERAN WINS!!! I LOVE THE BRAVES!!! For about two seconds, anyway. :)
6:06 pm: But OF COURSE in my matchup league Green Ship Captains lose in wins 5-3 and those Jerad Eickhoff and Alex Reyes debacles make a difference.
6:07 pm: Maybe Tyler Thornburg can blow a save for the Brewers so his team can win it in the 10th, giving him a cheap vulture win for the Introverts. Come on, Rockies! Tie it!
6:09 pm: Mark Melancon could theoretically do the same thing for the Nationals against the Marlins with an 8-7 lead. Come on, you guys can totally fail!
6:11 pm: Rockies tie it! That runner on third better not score though.
6:13 pm: Going to the 10th in the Rockies / Brewers game!
6:15 pm: I should eat bagels right now but I cannot turn away while things are happening. I guess that's an "away move". Sorry, Charlene. :(
6:17 pm: Green Ship Captains on life support here. At least I get a neat little 2nd place trophy so that's something, right?
6:17 pm: They totally can't take that away from my Yahoo Sports profile.
6:23 pm: RBI for Trea Turner so I'm down 30-27 there. But that means IT WOULD COME DOWN TO BRANDON BELT ON THE BENCH if that holds.
6:23 pm: Two run home run for the Brewers!!!! Please hold on for Tyler Thornburg's vulture win!!!! Go Demonland Introverts!!!!
6:27 pm: Of course, this lead isn't safe at Coors Field.
6:29 pm: Two more outs to get!!!!!
6:31 pm: One more! Of course, Charlie Blackmon is up for the Rockies. I remember he hit like 12 home runs in a series against the Phillies. Or something.
6:34 pm: BREWERS WIN!!!!! Thank you for sucking, Tyler Thornburg!
6:35 pm: Holy crap, the Introverts are this close to winning it all!
6:37 pm: Wins on blown saves for Tyler Thornburg two freaking games in a row. Unbelievable. I guess when it's all said and done he might be a "thorn" in the side of knuckleballs16k, the first place team that was ahead of me. Sorry. :)
6:40 pm: Just gotta wait for these final two games to be over before I'm sure the Introverts win.
6:43 pm: Now the Green Ship Captains are officially a mere mortal heavily disappointing Golden State Warriors / Carolina Panthers-esque 2nd place team, but I don't care anymore. INTROVERTS INTROVERTS INTROVERTS!!!!!
6:45 pm: One more game left on the schedule. Rays / Rangers. It probably won't mean anything, but again, have to be sure.
6:46 pm: Come on, Texas. Win it already so I'm 110% sure this game has no impact.
6:47 pm: Rougned Odor could potentially still pinch hit and score for polark kid's team, who's tied with me in runs, but that's it maybe.
6:50 pm: Wow, the Introverts jumped ahead of oil's team for the lead in strikeouts in the league by 1! Julio Teheran helped with 12 of those! I don't hate the Braves for one day!
6:52 pm: I just changed my "sad" to a "wow". No one's given me a "wow" either. I have no friends.
6:53 pm: I guess I can eat now since this is essentially like having a 20 point lead with a minute left in a basketball game.
6:56 pm: Gotta piss again and wear the hat and do the dance for a small victory.

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