Wednesday, December 21, 2016

Who But Gary Demon (or maybe Elijah Greenstone)


 
So I've had a very hard time getting out of bed lately, and suffering a bit from writer's block, so I choose to blame my inner lazy spirit, Gary Demon. More details on Gary, you might ask? Well... in my mythology, Gary was born on November 22, 1963 at approximately the same time President John F. Kennedy was assassinated, but nobody can confirm for sure exactly what hospital it was. Dallas, Texas seemed too easy, and there are no existent records of anyone named Harold or Mary Demon (or his siblings Jack and Sandra). It took quite a long time for the time travel driving instructors to even deduce 11/22/63 was Gary's birth (or more accurately, significant torturing of his meek assistant Elijah Greenstone in the basement of Demonland Records).

We now also know he was a former computer programmer for some underground magazine that regularly ripped off ideas from hugely popular Commodore 64 games like Vampire Hunter, Basketball Sam And Ed, Q-Bird, Pigs For Bucks and The Animal Show. Sometime in 1996, he formed the store Demonland Records (which closely resembled a hybrid of the now defunct Tower Records, Princeton Record Exchange and Amoeba Records) with Elijah that was probably the only great idea either of them came up with in their lives. It had the additional feature of a secret trap room that took you to random albums that were very hard to find, like that first My Bloody Valentine album with the terrible wannabe Nick Cave goth singer, Steve Miller Band's Your Saving Grace and The Velvet Underground's Squeeze (a glorified Doug Yule solo album with no original VU members that Gary always thought was superior to White Light / White Heat). Of course, Gary being Gary, he always made Elijah do the stressful tasks like filing and dealing with customers who had horrific tastes in music.

More importantly, though, on Christmas Day in 2003, Gary Demon somehow became immortal and remained as a 40 year old man for decades and centuries to come, according to a representative from the distant future of 2083 named Victoria Jane 2.0. Victoria Jane, in her over-exaggerated British accent, reported Gary was still ruling all the various provinces of Demonland (which included South Plowville, Black Frog City, Skelonkus Township and other minor areas nobody cares about). Everyone in these various provinces seemed to suffer a fatal combination of high ambition and extreme laziness / severe OCD, thanks to the infiltration of their brains by Gary Demon's ghost. Many, many attempts had been made on Gary Demon's life throughout the decades, including by shotgun, knife, decapitation, being run over by various vehicles, and left in the rubble of an exploding house, but alas, nothing worked. He simply just returned back to normal in his regular unchanged 2003 form.  

Nobody knows exactly what transpired to cause Gary's immortality. The most prominent theories from rumblings around Demonland was that it was a forest wizard hiding about, or possibly a sky child that dwells at the top of the 6,000 foot Staircase Of Worry, but neither of these theories can be proven conclusively. The more distressing aspect of Demonland, though, is that the population of its' suburbs live deeply unfulfilled and very mortal lives - Gary and his minions provide them with just enough things to make them satisfied in the short term but mostly depressed in the long term. Isolated from the rest of the actual countries of Earth, and trapped in a much bigger alternate universe sometimes referred to as Dimension 7, the citizens always have rebellion on their minds but are too powerless to get around to it.

The nearest anyone ever came to a successful assassination attempt on Gary was his biological son, Bobby. Near the end of 2015, Bobby somehow became aware from an unknown source (most likely that sky child in the Staircase Of Worry) that Gary was indeed his real father that had given him up for adoption in 1987, and that only Gary's biological children could be the ones to successfully murder him in his immortal state. Unfortunately, Bobby got into a very very heated argument with his psychotic ex-girlfriend Xylene Jones (as well as her dangerous friends), who brutally stabbed him in the chest with a cake knife - a cold-blooded murder on the bakery floor. So it's back to square one for the time travel driving instructors and various citizens of Demonland to come up with a new plan of attack against Gary.

His reign must end at some point, right?

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